


So Was I

by nonna



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Captain America Civil War - Freeform, Civil War Trailer, Hurt Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, No one is right in civil war, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Still Has Arc Reactor, but no one is wrong either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 22:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5309213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonna/pseuds/nonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by the last scene in the Civil War trailer, where Steve and Bucky team up against Tony.</p><p>Chapter 1 can be read on its own if you wish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> That scene killed me, and I just needed to write something with it. This fic is a reflection of Tony's thoughts and storyline leading up to that scene and, finally, during that scene.
> 
> **please note, I'm ignoring the ending of IM3 and pretending Tony still has the reactor :))
> 
> Enjoy!

_ Tony stops, watching Steve fall to the ground. “I’m sorry,” he rasps. “I’m sorry, Steve, I didn’t know I fired the repulsers––” _

_ Steve lets out a soft groan, indicating that he is alive. Before Tony can apologize again, he is pushed away from Steve with a strong force. His suit hits the wall, and it takes him a moment to adjust his coordination. When he looks up, Bucky is glaring at him. _

_ “I’m so––” Tony tries to say, but his breath is knocked out by a strong punch, directed at his arc reactor.  _

_ Bucky is driven with anger.  _

_ He punches Tony with his cybernetic arm again, causing the suit to bend inwards. He lets out a growl, then drives his hand into the arc reactor with more force. _

_ “Buck!” Steve calls out, voice hoarse. He lies on his back, hand pressing over his wounded torso. It’s brought him down, for now, but he will be fine. He’d taken worse hits before. _

_ Bucky, however, doesn’t listen. He keeps his metal hand digging into Tony’s arc reactor, crushing it. Tony’s faceplate slides up, mouth open in a silent scream. He tries to push Bucky away, but fails. _

_ “You hurt Steve.” Bucky grinds out, jaw clenched. _

_ The casing around the reactor shatters. Tony lets out a sharp breath, and slides to the ground. _

_ Steve’s eyes widen, and he scrambles to sit up, pushing down the pain. “Buck,” he whispers. “Stop.” _

_ Bucky backs away from Tony, adrenaline rush abruptly coming to an end. He glances to his metal hand, which is covered in blood, then back to Tony, who is shaking, face smeared with sweat and blood. _

_ Tony closes his eyes, allowing his head to fall back against the cold wall.  _

* * *

When he was a child, he dreamed about meeting Captain America.

Howard always insisted that Steve would be alive––even forty years after they’d lost him. He believed that Steve wouldn’t be put down by something like that. Because Steve was _strong_ , and _brave_. He fought the world, and he always won.

Tony dreamed, too, about becoming like Captain America.

He built himself a replica of the legendary shield when he was only twelve. He carried it everywhere, pretending to be Captain America. Pretending to be his hero.

He saved a kitten, once, with the shield. He was on his way home from a small shop, accompanied by Jarvis, when he saw a group of children throwing rocks at a kitten and sneering at it. Tony hurried over, protecting himself and the stray kitten from the rocks they threw. The kids made fun of him at first, but they eventually walked away.

Jarvis was proud of him. He told him he would certainly become a hero, much like Captain America, when he grows up. Tony carried the kitten home, proudly showing it to his parents. The first life he’d ever saved.

Howard didn’t allow him to keep it. _Dirty kitten, might be carrying all kinds of diseases. Leave it in a box, we’ll drop it off at a shelter_. _Go focus on your studying, don’t waste your time trying to play a hero._

They didn’t take it to a shelter. Tony saw the kitten just outside the house two days later. It meowed at him. Tony asked it to wait, and came back several minutes later with some leftovers he took from the kitchen. 

Tony wondered, then, if Captain America would have been proud of him. Or would he have called it a waste of time, too? 

As Tony grew older, he began to despise Captain America. It seemed that he would never be like him. He always made mistakes. He wasn’t brave. He was selfish. He was everything Captain America wasn’t.

Jarvis told him heroes came in all shapes and sizes; not all heroes had to be replicas of Captain America. Tony was good at other things, he could use his _own_ skills to become a hero.

And for a while, he thought he did. When he became iron man, many years later, he believed what Edwin Jarvis had told him. Maybe he _could_ be a hero. A different type of hero. Not a perfect man, and certainly one filled with flaws, but maybe… maybe it could work.

He became a role model. A modern hero. Sure, the government wasn’t particularly fond of him, but the public was. People actually _liked_ him for once. He lost some money when he stopped making weapons, yes, but he gained respect. It was most definitely worth it.

But then, Captain America returned. _Tony_ , of all people, had found him. 

It was surreal.

He’d dreamt about this moment his entire life. Created and played different scenarios in his head, imagining his first meeting with the legendary man. And Tony had _saved_ him––he was the one who got him out of the ice! Steve may be thankful, but more importantly, he may be proud. 

But their initial meeting was like none of the scenarios he’d imagined. _Man in a suit of armour, take that away and what are you_?

It suddenly rained down on him. Why would Captain America be proud of him? He didn’t even _know_ him. He didn’t know that Tony slept with his Captain America toy for _years_ , or that he’d practiced the heroic poses in front of his mirror every morning. He didn’t know that he was the only man Tony ever aspired to be like. He didn’t see that Tony.

All he saw was a coward hiding behind a suit of armour.

It hurt. But Tony couldn’t show that. He snapped back with a snarky comment instead. He knew it’d only make the Captain hate him more, but to _hell_ with it. Of course Captain America wouldn’t like him. Howard had told him that, over and over again.

Tony just never wanted to believe it.

But after Tony flew the missile into the wormhole, Steve seemed to warm up to Tony. He smiled at him, for starters. He spoke to him with more respect. Overall, their relationship was improving.

And holy _shit_ , was he actually becoming friends with Captain America?

But he was Anthony Edward Stark. Nobody liked him––they simply _tolerated_ him. He should have known that, but he was an idiot. Always an idiot. Always hoping to genuinely be liked by someone. Always getting disappointed when he doesn’t.

Then, just when he thought he was finally becoming Steve’s friend, Ultron happened. Tony fucked up, like he always did. He fucked up because _he_ was a fucked up person, a bad man. Because he wasn’t Captain fucking America. He couldn’t keep his thoughts straight, he couldn’t stop being selfish. He couldn’t differentiate between what was right and what was wrong.

He left the Avengers. They had no place for him, really. A team of superheroes? Please. Tony didn’t belong. To think he actually thought he did, for a while. Pathetic.

Steve gave him a kind talk, though, before he left. He told him he’d _miss him_ … even after all that he did. 

Maybe second chances were real.

That was why when the government issued an order––SHRA––to bring in and categorize superheroes, Tony was on board. He thought about it; the issue seemed to make sense. Put limitations for superheroes. Don’t let them become like Tony, making mass murdering robots because of their fucked up insecurities. It would ensure that everyone running around calling themselves a hero was actually one, not simply a villain on the verge. Not to mention that it would provide them with backup, whether it be on missions or for medical reasons.

It seemed like a perfect solution to stopping “heroes” from crossing that thin line into becoming villains. The line that Steve Rogers had accused him, rightfully, of crossing. The line that that he’d crossed long before he was iron man, too, when he was making weapons.

This would be his chance to finally make Steve proud. Not only as Captain America, but as his _friend_. As the man who gave him another chance. Tony needed to show him that he’d learned from his mistakes.

But he was Tony _fucking_ Stark. Nothing in his life was good. Nothing he ever wished for came true. Nothing he worked for came out as he’d expected.

He walked up to Steve, smile wide on his face. Proudly told him that he was on board with the government’s new issue. 

Steve didn’t smile back. 

Instead, his face scrunched into the angry–and-disappointed expression he seemed to have reserved only for Tony. 

Steve was against the rules this time.

Tony wanted to laugh, really.

“You’re okay with it because you’re Stark,” Steve snapped. “You revealed your identity on national television, you gave out your home address, because you know that whatever happens, you’ll walk out of it. You have the money, you have the people to help you. Not everyone has that privilege.”

“You’re not wrong, Steve,” Tony admitted. “But you were the one who didn’t approve of Ultron, of Vision. You didn’t trust my judgement, said I started a war before it was due. This is a way to redeem myself. This is a way to make sure no one else has to go through this.”

“This isn’t about you, Tony!” Steve said, exasperated. “I’m not putting innocent lives in danger because you want to redeem yourself.”

“But I..” Tony began. He understood Steve’s perspective, he agreed with him. But he also saw and understood the cause behind the SHRA, truly believed that it could act as a solution. “I just think maybe we shouldn’t push away the idea entirely. We can work a solution, maybe something in the middle.”

Steve scoffed. “Like what? The act has one sole purpose. It wants to register superhumans, to use them as weapons. There’s no modification of that.”

“Maybe we can register them, but ensure they don’t get used as weapons.” Tony suggested. “We can make sure that they’re only registered for their own good. If we have their names, we can help them when they need us.”

“SHIELD can do that.” Steve pressed. “There is no need to take this to the actual government. I don’t trust what they’ll do with them. I don’t trust that they won’t be Hydra.”

Steve wanted to stop any chances for Hydra to show up again. Tony wanted to stop any chances for something like Ultron to come up again.

Tony understood both perspectives. He just didn’t know how to work with them. He was trying to find a midpoint, a way to balance his ideas with Steve’s. Unfortunately, Steve wasn’t thinking the same way.

It got worse when Bucky showed up. Tony found out about him from Natasha, who was growing tired of Steve pushing her advice away.

“I just need him to understand that we can help him.” She said. “We won’t let them hurt Bucky. They want to bring him in and put him on trial. We want to bring him in, run him through a few tests, then declare him innocent and let him go. They won’t be able to argue with us, then. Not if we prove that he’s experienced severe emotional and mental trauma. But if he just wants to run away, expecting them to let Bucky go because he’s Captain America’s friend, it’s not going to happen. They need to see that Bucky is no longer the Winter Soldier, and Steve’s testimony is not enough.”

Clint didn’t agree with Natasha. He seemed to be taking Steve’s side with avoiding the government altogether. The lingering fear of Hydra and betrayal. Wanda sided with him.

Tony didn’t _know_ what the hell they were even on about. He chugged down some of his whiskey before asking, “What’s this about, exactly? Who’s the Winter Soldier?”

He was met by blank stares. Clint spoke up first. “Cap didn’t tell you?”

“I guess not.”

They looked at each other, exchanging hesitant glances. Wanda narrowed her eyes. “If Captain didn’t tell him, it’s best we don’t. He only told people he knows he can trust.”

Well, then. 

Natasha let out a patient exhale. “It’s not exactly a secret anymore.” She turned to Tony. “James Buchanan Barnes. Name ring a bell?”

“Of course,” Tony answered. Who didn’t know James Barnes?

“He wasn’t dead. Hydra took him in, brainwashed him. Made him into the Winter Soldier. We saw him just before Ultron happened, but we were trying to keep it secret. We were looking for him.”

“And you didn’t think I’d be able to help you find him.” Tony stated. “Or, wait, you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about this?”

“No reason to.” Clint said with a shrug. “Winter Soldier killed your parents. Steve wasn’t exactly sure you’d be willing to help us find him once you found out.”

Tony raised an eyebrow, sitting up straighter. “You’re not serious. I may agree with Nat, and say we should have him get evaluated, but I’m not going to blame him for what Hydra made him do.”

He hadn’t realized the team thought that badly of him.

Tony let out a shaky breath, setting his bottle of whiskey down. He stood up, cleared his throat, and excused himself. 

He wasn’t going to have a panic attack in front of the team.

Luckily for him, the second time he had a panic attack that week, his face was hidden by the suit’s faceplate. 

He wasn’t sure how it’d come down to this. Him, as Iron Man, fighting Steve as Captain America. They were fighting each other, directly, because they didn’t seem to be agreeing on anything lately.

Steve started the fight. Tony was too stubborn to stop it. 

“Steve, Natasha has a point.” Tony said, midway through the fight. “And so do you! But you have to give her some credit, she knows what she’s doing. She won’t throw Bucky into a mess unless she knows she can get him out of it.”

“I’m not risking that.” Steve said defiantly, throwing the shield at Tony again. 

“Why are we fighting?” Tony yelled. He stopped, arms raised. “God damn it, why are we fighting? You’re a wise man, you should know better than this. People need proof. They need to see that Bucky is no longer the Winter Soldier. They’ll let him go. It’s simple!”

Steve grit his teeth. “It’s not. I lost Bucky once because I couldn’t save him. I’m not losing him again. I can’t trust them. What if they play Natasha? She brings him in for evaluation, and they kill him? Turn out to be Hydra? I can’t let them get his hands on him again.”

Tony paused. “I thought,” he said slowly, “that you were the one who told me that every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die.”

“This is different.”

“Is it, really?”

“I’m sorry, Tony.” Steve began. “You know I wouldn’t do this if I had any other choice. But he’s my friend.”

Tony was at a loss of words.

_I never said he wasn’t_ , he wanted to say. _I just want you to listen. I want to help your friend, too. Because if he’s your friend… he’s mine. Because we are friends. I thought we were friends, I thought… I thought you’d given me a second chance._

“So was I.” He whispered.

Steve looked down.

_So I wasn’t_. Tony thought. _Of course I wasn’t. I let this happen every time. Every damn time. Of course I’m not your friend. You’re Captain fucking America._

It falls back to his childhood. Every time. 

It’s his fault, really. He’s always optimistic, always hoping to mean as much to Steve as he does to him.

And every time, he’s reminded that he never will. And it hurts just as much.

They didn’t speak after that. They saw each other in fights on occasion, but they had other things to attend to. Despite common belief, Tony Stark actually did work for Stark Industries.

Then, during another of their fights, Bucky brought Rhodey down.

Rhodey didn’t die, but he fell into a coma. The doctors told Tony not to get too hopeful.

The next time they meet, Tony is fed up.

“I get it. Bucky means the world to you.” Tony says bitterly. “But Rhodey meant the world to me, too. Look what you’ve done to him.”

Steve lets out an even breath. “I’m sorry about what happened to Rhodey, but this could have all been avoided if you hadn’t insisted on helping them hunt down Bucky.”

Tony laughs in disbelief. “This could have all been avoided if you got your head out of your ass and _listened_ to us! If you’d just––if you _trusted_ us!”

Things go downhill very rapidly, and Tony finds himself being attacked by two super soldiers.

He doesn’t use the full power on his repulsers.

He can’t.

What the Hell even happened to them? All of them? Several months ago, they were fighting _together_. They stopped Ultron, and Loki before that. They fought against multiple alien attacks, against Hydra.

His eyes blur, but he’s too afraid to blink. Too afraid to feel the tears trail down his cheeks.

Tony looks up to Steve, desperate to see something. _Anything_. A sign that he, too, doesn't want this.

All he sees is determination as Steve hits him again, and again and _again_. 

FRIDAY speaks up, pulling him out of his stupor. _Boss, power’s going down. Your heart rate is rapidly rising, as well as your body heat. Your oxygen levels are falling._

Tony ignores her.

The shield hits his head, suddenly, and he feels the world go black for several moments. He must have a _really_ bad concussion by now.

He’s losing orientation, unsure of where he’s standing anymore. He’s unable to focus his eyes on what’s in front of him. 

He’s pushed back, and he feels himself falling. 

The wormhole is closing in on him. His repulsers aren’t working. He tries to fire them, but they’re not working, he’s still _falling_ ––

Someone yells out in pain.

He’s... no longer in the wormhole.

He’s watching Steve fall to the ground, eyes shut, clearly in pain. He––His hand is pointing in Steve’s direction, repulsers ready to fire.

_Oh, no_ , he thinks, eyes widening. _Oh, shit, no––God, did I hit him? Did I hurt him––holy fuck, no. No, no…_

“No, no, no.” He whispers repeatedly, making his way to Steve. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t _know_ , I didn’t––”

His eyes blur again, breaths becoming shallow and shaky. He brings his hand down slowly, staring at Steve’s form. “I’m so––I’m so sorry, Steve, I’m––”

He hurt Captain America.

He hurt  _Steve_.

They were right. They were _all_ right. Tony was no hero. He was a messed up _piece of shit_ , that’s what he was. He––he hurt everyone. Because he was selfish. Steve was right, this was all his fault––he hurt Steve, he _killed_ Cap––

Steve groans, begins to move slowly.

He’s alive.

Tony opens his mouth to speak up, to apologize again, to tell him he was sorry for being such a _shithead,_ but he doesn’t get the chance to. Bucky attacks him, full strength, and throws him into the wall across the room. 

He punches Tony’s suit, eyes filled with anger.

Hatred.

“I’m sorry, God,” Tony sobs, voice weak. He doesn’t fight back. “God, I’m so fucking sorry, for everything, I thought I was doing the right thing, I just wanted to––I just wanted to make it right, but I’m never right, I’m always––”

His breath catches when Bucky shoves his cybernetic hand directly into the arc reactor, and pulls it out.

Tony thinks he hears Steve say something. Maybe he’s just imagining it.

“You hurt Steve,” Bucky says in a dangerous tone. 

Tony lets out a shaky breath. “I didn’t mean––”

“I remember it.” Bucky whispers. “I remember it all.”

Tony furrows his eyebrows, unsure of what Bucky is talking about.

“Howard begged me to stop.” Bucky continues. “I killed Maria first. Then I carved the heart out of Howard, and I enjoyed _every_ second of it. Just as much as I’m enjoying this.”

He crushes the casing around the reactor.

Tony can’t breathe.

The faceplate slides up, and Tony tries to take a breath, but the _pain_ ––his whole chest is on fire. It feels like someone took a pack of needles and stabbed them in, all at once, and _God,_ he can’t breathe––

Bucky’s weight suddenly shifts off of him, and Tony is able to let out a sharp breath. He struggles as he intakes another one.

He’s tired.

God, he’s _so_ tired. He just needs some rest.

He rests his head back against the wall, and closes his eyes. He just needs to rest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys note the differences between the opening scene and the final scene? Do you think Bucky actually said the lines in the second one, or was Tony just imagining it? >:)


	2. JARVIS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The civil war is coming to an end, but that doesn't mean they're all fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has more plot and more of the team characters making a cameo. It focuses a lot on both Tony and Bucky! 
> 
> Next chapter will be a bit more Tony centric again. 
> 
> ENJOY!!

Bucky stills, watching Tony’s eyes shut as his head falls back against the wall. His eyes fall to Tony’s chest, and _God_ , that was not something he needed to see. Tony’s body is covered with armour, but there, in the centre of his chest––Bucky can see right into his body. He can see the _bones_ , and the muscle ends and… and blood pouring out onto the hollow piece in the armour.

It’s sickening.

Bucky begins to shake, but he can’t take his eyes off of Tony. He can hear Steve shuffling in the background, calling out––Bucky’s not sure whether he’s calling to him or to Tony––but he can’t _move_. 

When he first met Tony, several weeks back, he was expecting to hear insults, accusations. He was expecting to see fear in Tony’s eyes, hatred, _anger_. This was the man that had killed his parents, and Tony had finally gotten to see him. 

But Tony… Tony smiled sadly, told Bucky it wasn't his fault. Told him that he couldn’t hold Bucky accountable for his actions as the Winter Soldier. He said he wasn’t afraid of James Buchanan Barnes, because James was a hero. He just… he just needed the government to see that Bucky was James, no longer the Winter Soldier. Bucky could still see pain in Tony’s eyes as he spoke, sadness, but Tony pushed it down. 

Maybe Tony should have been afraid of James Buchanan Barnes.

Bucky didn’t… Bucky didn’t do this anymore. Bucky promised Steve he wouldn’t lose control, that he was no longer the Winter Soldier.

But this wasn’t the Winter Soldier coming through. This was him, pure James Buchanan Barnes, afraid to see someone hurting his only friend. James Barnes, who wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt Steve––not seventy years ago, and certainly not now.

James Barnes was never a killer.

And here he stands, watching Tony bleed out because of him.

He never wanted this. He just wanted to be safe, protected. He didn’t want to get killed. He didn’t want to pay for his actions as the Winter Soldier. But he… he didn’t want to kill Stark.

His eyes fall back to his hand, wishing for the blood to disappear. James Barnes only killed during war, and he’d killed Hydra agents with his rifle. James Barnes never killed someone with his bare hands.

Suddenly, someone’s hand is on his left shoulder. Bucky turns immediately, preparing his human hand for a punch, only to realize it’s Steve. He stops, letting out a soft breath. “Sorry,” he whispers.

Steve nods, then turns his gaze to Tony. Steve’s breathing is shallow, but Bucky knows it’s not because of the hit he took. Steve crouches down next to Tony, and places his hand on Tony’s forehead. He runs his hand through Tony’s hair. “Tony?”

Tony doesn’t answer.

Natasha and Sam barge into the room.

“Where are the hell were you guys?” Sam asks, panting. “We were looking _everywhere_ for you, we were afraid that Tony had––” His eyes move to where Tony lies. “Holy fuck, is he okay?”

“God damn it,” Natasha curses. “Sam, call for SHIELD medical immediately. Let them know Iron Man is down.” She turns back to Steve. “What the _hell_ happened here?”

Steve gulps, eyes still fixed on Tony. “We… we got carried away. We were fighting, and then he fired at me and… ”

“And his arc reactor pulled itself out and shattered the metal casing _embedded_ into his chest.” Natasha continued angrily. “I told you, fighting should not have been our first option. I… I _promised_ you that Bucky would be in safe hands, that I would never let them kill him.”

Steve looks away, hand lingering on Tony’s shoulder. “I had no other choice. I couldn’t risk it, Natasha. But God, I… I never wanted this to happen. He’s still breathing. He’ll be okay, right?”

Natasha exhales slowly, then nods. Her lips quirk up in a small smile. “He’ll be fine. He’s Tony. Now, let’s get him out of this suit.”

“How?” Steve asks. “It’s down.”

“It’s got a few manual latches. Tony showed me their places in case something like this ever happened.”

Sam turns around, bringing up his hand to cover his mouth. He was in the navy, yes, but he could never stand seeing people hurt. He can’t bear to look at Tony’s unconscious form, or Bucky standing still as a statue. He can’t see the pain and confusion clouding Steve’s eyes.

He’d always looked up the Avengers. Always admired their team.

That team was now _gone_.

They can hear footsteps approaching them, suddenly, and they all still in alert. Natasha’s hand hovers over her gun, despite her saying, “Might just be the SHIELD medics.”

Thankfully, it is. They hurry down the stairs, making their way over to the team. They open up a stretcher, and carefully place Tony onto it. They have an oxygen mask prepared.

They carry him away, taking him to the quinjet. They need to get him back to a hospital on the base as soon as possible. Natasha walks with them, answering their questions. She doesn’t say anything about Bucky.

Was she letting him get away with it?

Bucky narrows his eyes, puzzled. He turns to Steve. “She didn’t tell them.”

Steve’s voice is weak when he responds. “About what?”

“That I was the one who…” Bucky lowers his gaze to the ground. “That I was the one who hurt him.”

Before Steve can respond, a few medics approach him. They need to check over his injuries. “If it’s okay with you, could we check over your friend, too? He will be under your supervision at all times.”

Steve nods, and motions for Bucky to follow him out of the room and up to the quinjet.

–––––––

The SHIELD base, as it turns out, is a two hour flight away. 

Steve, Bucky, Natasha and Sam are forced to watch the medics treating Tony.

“I didn’t agree with Tony,” Steve says after a while. “And I think he shouldn’t have interfered with this whole ordeal. But I want to make it clear that I never wanted to hurt him. Not like this.”

Natasha raises an eyebrow. “You’re like a different person altogether. I said this, and I will say it again: I understand where you were coming from. But you have to realize that this was going to be the only outcome when you decided to just fight. Rhodes got hurt, Lang got hurt. _You_ got hurt, look at you! I told you, I understand what Bucky means to you. I _know_ , because I have Clint. I never want to lose him. But life isn’t black and white, it’s not always that simple. Sometimes we have to take risks if it means it we will get the best outcome… and that best outcome? It’s not always winning. It might just be minimized loss.”

Steve’s jaw clenches. 

Natasha’s eyes soften. “You want to know what happened in Budapest? We always joke about it, but it wasn’t funny. Not in the slightest. Clint and I were sent on an undercover mission to stop a Russian gang from human trafficking. We joined in as part of the gang, it was going great. Then one of the men began to hate Clint. He started calling him a traitor, made up a few lies about him. They wanted to kill him, but they settled on torturing him. Having fun with him, as they called it.”

Sam winces.

“Of course, that included me. If I was part of the gang, I had to follow their orders. I had to get the mission done. And I…” She inhales shakily. “And I did. I watched them hurt him. I had to hurt him myself. I could have easily revealed my identity, gotten us both out of there… but then we would have lost all our leads on them. They would change location again, they wouldn’t accept new members. And all the lives that would have been wasted… They trafficked _hundreds_ of people, used them as slaves, used them as experiments. I had to rescue them. I couldn’t risk hundreds of lives because I wanted to save Clint.”

Steve shifts his eyes to Bucky, who’s crawled up against one of the corners, face down between his knees, arms covering his head. Bucky _needed_ him. Bucky never signed up for this, _any_ of this. It wasn’t the same. Steve understood Natasha’s point, but that’s during war, during missions, when the soldiers and agents sign up willing to offer their lives in order to save others.

Bucky had had no such choice.

“Hi, sorry to bother you,” says one of the medics. She has a strong English accent. “I’m Jemma Simmons, one of SHIELD’s doctors and scientists. We’ve managed to get Mr Stark under a fairly stable condition, for now. We’ve slowed down the bleeding, and we’re making sure he’s getting a supply of oxygen.”

Sam smiles. “That’s good to hear.”

Jemma smiles back sadly. “Yes, but I’m afraid that without the reactor… He won’t be able to survive for too long. If you happen to have any of his backup arc-reactors, by any chance? Or if you know of a place where you can get one?”

Steve turns to Natasha. Their eyes meet, and she shakes her head. “The only people who have the reactors are Tony and Rhodes. They’re both out of it. Tony might have some in his lab, but it’s authorized entrance. I’ll contact Pepper.”

Jemma nods, watching Natasha make her way over to the other end of the quinjet to make her phone call. Jemma turns back to the three men on the bench. “I’m a big fan,” she says. “I wish I had the opportunity to meet all of you under better circumstances.”

Steve smiles. “Thank you, agent Simmons.”

“Well, I better get going. If any of you require any assistance, or if you feel nauseous, fear you have a fever… Immediately call for one of us. You probably know the drill by now.”

Sam chuckles. “We sure do.”

Jemma leaves, and they sit in silence for a few minutes. 

Steve places a gentle hand on Bucky’s forearm. Bucky moves it slowly, uncovering his face. His eyes are glazed. Steve’s hand moves to his cheek. “Buck, are you alright?”

Bucky stares at Steve for a few seconds before nodding. “I’m fine. I’m just… I’m so _sorry_ , Steve. This is my fault. All of it.” 

Steve furrows his eyebrows, and he shuffles closer to Bucky. “No. No, don’t say that. None of this is your fault.”

Bucky shuts his eyes. “You did all of this to save me. Everyone else got hurt because you wanted to save _me_. Steve, I’m not James Buchanan Barnes. I’m not the same man you knew seventy years ago. I’m not who you _want_ me to be. I can’t be––I’m trying to be like the person I was before the fall, but it’s _hard_ , and I’m letting you down and you’re fighting for a man you don’t even _know_ anymore––”

“Bucky, stop.” Steve pleads. “Don’t do this to yourself. I’m not the same man I was before the fall, either. I just want you to be here, safe, with me. You’ve changed, so have I. This isn’t your fault.”

“It’s no one’s fault.” Sam pipes in. “Actually, I think it’s everyone’s fault. We all played a part in this mess, so let’s not do this, alright? This will never be over if we keep looking at it like this. Just give up the idea that one party has to be _wrong_. I’m always by your side, Cap. Always. But if this fight is gonna make us kill each other? Then we need to find a compromise, sooner than later.”

“I’m sorry, Sam, I dragged you into this mess––” Steve begins.

“No, I’m serious, man.” Sam interrupts. “This whole thing started because we were just… we were just trying to blame each other, point fingers at specific people. It won’t end if we keep doing that. Just realize we all have something to apologize for, even Stark. Instead of wasting our time on apologizing and beating ourselves up, let’s do something about it.”

Sam stands up, and pats Steve’s shoulder. “I’m going to go grab myself a cup of coffee. You guys want one?”

Steve smiles. “No, but thank you, Sam. For everything.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

Steve’s eyes follow Sam as he leaves. He had made a mistake, and it had only led to more mistakes. It took him some time to finally come to terms with the fact that he, too, was wrong, but he can no longer deny it. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I really am.”

Bucky lets out a soft exhale, then covers his face again.

 

––––––––

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

––––––––

_His chest is burning._

_He opens his mouth, tries to call out for help, but nothing comes out. No words are forming, only silent screams._

_He reaches for his chest, and feels something harsh against it. He attempts to yank it out, to stop the burning––_

_“Tony, calm down.”_

_Yinsen?_

_I thought you were dead._

_“You need to calm yourself. Stop fidgeting with the reactor, you’ll only make it worse.” Yinsen says calmly. He smiles. “I know you’re wondering where you are, but don’t be afraid. You’ve been here before, you know your way around.”_

_Tony looks down to his chest, and suddenly notices the wires hooked to his arc reactor. He traces them back with his gaze, and sure enough, they’re connected to a car battery._

_Not again._

_Please, not again._

_“I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do this time. You took a hard hit, I’m not sure you’ll be able to work on the missile. Or the reactor.”_

_He hears footsteps approaching, and suddenly the door is pushed open. The men make their way over to him, and Tony begins to work around the wires, attempting to disconnect them from his arc reactor. He tries to get up, to push past them, but his body just won’t co-operate._

_“Stark, where do you think you’re going?” Says the leader. He sneers down at him. “You’re not leaving any time soon. Not this time.”_

_Their hands are suddenly all over him, pushing him down into the hard ground. Tony screams, fighting back as hard as he can, but they’re too strong and God, he’s tired. His heart rate speeds up, and it starts to become difficult to breathe, but they won’t let him go._

_“Stark, calm down!” Yinsen yells. He’s holding him down now, too. Tony continues to struggle, until he hears someone’s voice._

_“Is everything alright?”_

_Tony stills._

_It’s Bucky._

_What’s he doing with the Ten Rings?_

_“Maybe you should get out,” Someone tells him._

_Bucky smirks, then just before he leaves the room, he says, “finish him.”_

– – – – – – – – –

Bruce flips through the pages in the file, looking for a specific article relating to one of his studies. He’s been by Tony’s side for just over two hours now, despite being told, repeatedly, that Tony would not awaken any time soon. He’d been visiting Tony nearly every day, since he was in the facility and he didn’t have a better place to be. 

It’s strangely relaxing to work near Tony, even when he’s unconscious. Bruce supposes there’s something about Tony’s presence that motivates him to work.

He was hiding for over a year, refusing to answer even Tony’s calls. SHIELD couldn’t reach him, but Tony knew had his ways––backup protocols he’d built with Bruce specifically for such situations. He had, however, respected Bruce’s wishes to be left alone, and stopped phoning him.

Until a few months back, when Tony began to call him more often and leave urgent messages. He needed Bruce’s advice, but Bruce couldn’t answer. He couldn’t get involved, not when General Ross was back in the game.

He thought they’d work it out eventually. As it turned out, he was wrong. Once he saw news of Tony Stark falling into a coma on international television, he decided to return to the USA.

Thankfully, the team agreed to keep his presence a secret.

Bruce yawns, shutting the file, and stands up. He needs to take a walk, maybe grab a cold drink on his way. As he makes his way to the door, however, he hears Tony moan.

Tony’s eyes are tightly shut, his eyebrows furrowed. He’s letting out soft whimpers. Bruce hurries back to his side, a smile forming on his face. Tony is finally waking up. 

Then, Tony’s hands lash out, and he begins to pull at the wires attached to his chest. He screams, and dear God, it is _not_ a pleasant sound. Bruce’s smile immediately vanishes, and he looks around the room, unsure of what to do. He presses the button to call for a nurse.

“Tony, calm down.” He says. 

Tony’s eyes snap open, and he stares at Bruce with a glazed look. 

“Tony, it’s me. Stop––” He holds Tony’s hand, pushing it off of the reactor, “––stop fidgeting with the wires. You’ll be okay. You’re in SHIELD medical. The wires are just for monitoring reasons, they’re not connected to your reactor.”

Though Tony is looking directly at him, Bruce is not sure Tony is actually _seeing_ him. Tony begins to panic, eyes falling back to his chest, and proceeds to tug against the wiring again.

A nurse opens the door and enters the room, followed by two more nurses and a stern Natasha Romanov. They hurry to Tony’s side.

“Mr. Stark, please stop struggling. You cannot get out of the bed.” One of the nurses says. He places a gentle hand on Tony’s shoulder. “We will allow you to get up once your condition has improved. For now,however, you need to calm down and allow yourself to rest.”

“Are you in pain, Mr. Stark?” Asks another nurse.

Bruce shakes his head. “I don’t think he’s actually awake.”

The nurse nods, looking at Stark.“We will have to sedate him, then. Hopefully next time he will be more aware when he awakens.”

They move to grab Tony’s arms in order to restrain him as they fix the wiring and prepare the IV. 

Tony screams.

It takes them all by surprise.

“Tony, calm down.” Bruce repeats, moving closer to Tony’s side and placing a hand on his arm.

Tony does not hear him. He continues to scream, thrashing against their grip. One of the nurses prepares a needle hurriedly, and says, “I’ll have to give him a needle instead, it will work faster.”

Bruce nods, feeling his heart rate elevate as he watches Tony struggle. Whatever he’s seeing, it can’t be pleasant.

Then, Bucky Barnes walks into the room. “Is everything alright? I was just down the hall, getting my arm checked, and then I heard the screaming…”

Tony’s head immediately turns to where Bucky stands in the doorway, and he stills. His attempts at fighting the nurses cease, and his eyes widen.

For the first time, Bruce thinks Tony actually looks more _aware_.

Natasha shakes her head, gently pushing him out of the room. “I think you should get out.”

Bucky gulps, exiting the room as Natasha leads him out. “I’m sorry, did I scare him?”

Natasha stops once they’re out of Tony’s sight, and exhales slowly. “I’m not sure. He was in pretty bad shape, probably having a nightmare.”

“But his eyes were open. He _saw_ me and he––”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. He’s going to be having some flashbacks and nightmares, it’s only expected. Just… try to steer out of his way, at least until he’s more conscious and aware.”

Bucky nods, shoulders slumping.

 

–––––

 

The team is doing better. Steve had finally agreed to allow SHIELD to take Bucky in for a day to evaluate him, make sure he was no longer the Winter Soldier. Once their psychologists released a statement that Bucky would be just fine––aside from some PTSD issues he may face––the government couldn’t officially hunt him down. General Ross did, however, try to kill Bucky in secret by sending some of his men, but T’Challa had stopped them. 

T’Challa had disliked Bucky, accusing him of the assassination of his father. Bucky apologized, multiple times. T’Challa couldn’t bring himself to blame Bucky for what Hydra had made him do. Instead, he decided to work with them to bring down the remnants of Hydra.

The government agreed, albeit hesitantly, to allow SHIELD to register the superheroes without releasing their names to the public.

They found themselves becoming a team again.

Scott introduced Hope and Hank to the team. Hope got along well with Pepper, which was a surprise to no one. Hank offered to help Bruce research further into improving Tony’s condition, though he had never liked Howard.

“Everyone’s too proud for their own good,” Hope said with a smirk. “You guys could have legitimately finished this whole thing before it started. But what can I say? You men just can’t seem to focus on the big picture.”

They couldn’t deny that.

Now they’re back in the facility, the tension slowly easing. Clint is eating popcorn, and throwing some at Scott whenever he turns around. Scott rolls his eyes, and throws the remote back at him. He misses.

“This is nice.” Bucky tells Steve, voice barely above a whisper. They all sit in the lobby, getting a real break for the first time. They almost feel like a family. “Is this what it was like? Before the fight?”

Steve nods. “We weren’t this big of a team, though. This is definitely nicer.”

Bucky hums, then turns back to the rest of the team. He sees Natasha laughing, and it’s the first time he’s seen the Black Widow laugh. They’d always been against each other, hunting each other down. This was different.

Vision then walks over to the large television, and places his hand on the screen. He stands there for a while, then turn around to face the rest of the team. “I am not JARVIS.” 

The chatter dies as the team turns their attention to him. 

“I am not JARVIS, but I have his memories.” Vision continues. “He was not a person, but he had specific memories that he had highlighted. It’s difficult to explain.”

He receives confused stares in response.

“What I mean to say is,” Vision says slowly, “when Mister Stark got hurt, some of JARVIS’s memories came through. I saw what JARVIS had seen––it was almost as though he’d brought them up. Footage of Mister Stark in his lab, talking to his bots. Of him being kind and tired and. I felt something like what you call _sadness_ , though I am not sure I can truly experience your emotions.”

“Oh, Vision…” Wanda says, sad smile forming on her lips.

“I wish to show you some of what I had seen. I wish for Mister Stark to be with us in this moment, as we gather as a team. I am not certain if this will work, but… If you do not mind…?”

Steve nods. “Go ahead.”

Vision places his fingers against the screen again, closes his eyes, and the screen lights up. Tony’s face is on the screen, surrounded by the video recording symbols. Vision steps back, and the video begins to play.

“ _Okay, JARVIS, you gotta record this. This is probably one of the craziest things I’ve thought of––and you know I’ve done crazy things––and Pepper will not be impressed, but… Let’s do it. Dummy, come over here. You’re going to be on fire safety. If anything lights on fire, extinguish the flames. Got it?”_

They watch as Tony attaches a fire extinguisher to Dummy’s arm, then steps back to his work bench and pulls up a hologram design of one of his suits. 

_“I’m gonna build this suit. You ready, J?”_

_“Of course, Sir.”_

The screen goes black, then another recording plays. This time, Tony is wearing the gauntlets and the boots, but they are just the skeleton. They can see the wires and the framing. 

“ _Day 6, test 23, configuration 1.7.” Tony begins_. “ _The gauntlets and the boots are ready, and as you know, J, they’re the most important for flight and balance. So we’re going to test them first. Dummy, you’re good?”_

_Dummy whirs._

_“Let’s start with 10% thrust capacity… on one, two, three!”_

_The repulsers fire up, and Tony loses balances. He flips in the air and falls back against the wall behind him. He’s quiet for a moment before he bursts out laughing. “Oh my god, that was not what I was expecting. Let’s try it at––”_

_But Dummy douses him with the fire extinguisher, despite the fact that he’s not on fire. Tony lets out a patient exhale. “Dummy, what are you_ doing? _I did not raise you to be this way. Or maybe I did.”_

In the next recording, Tony succeeds in controlling the repulsers. Then, he flies in the suit for the first time. 

_“_ It must be nice to fly in that thing.” Scott comments. “Probably nicer than wearing a suit that makes you become the size of an ant.”

The team laughs.

When the next recording plays, however, they are taken by surprise. Tony’s face is pale, eyes dull. When he speaks up, his voice is broken.

_“JARVIS, how much has it spread?_ ” _He asks._

_“To 63% of your blood, Sir.” JARVIS replies. “As of now, I have run diagnostics and tests with all the other known elements, and none of them can work as a replacement for the palladium.”_

_“Funny,” Tony says dryly. “The thing that’s killing you is the only thing keeping you alive. Maybe this is a sign, J. Is God just trying to tell me to, you know, give up? I’m either gonna die from the palladium or the shrapnel. There really isn’t a difference.”_

_“I am sure you will find a way to make this better, Sir.” JARVIS says coolly. “As you always do. We will keep searching for an alternative.”_

_Tony shakes his head, then pulls up his shirt. “Mirror,” he orders. His chest is lined with dark purple and green, stemming out of his arc reactor. “It’s looking pretty bad, huh?”_

_“You_ have _looked better, I must admit.”_

_Tony laughs. “Being sarcastic, are we? God, you’re too much like Jarvis. I mean, yeah, I built you off the guy initially but your dirty humour? You built that yourself. You’re making me a proud Papa.”_

“Wait,” Clint says as the recording ends. “JARVIS was built off a real guy? How did I never hear about this?”

Bucky stills. 

Edwin Jarvis.

He was there, when Bucky killed Howard and Maria. His orders were to kill the Starks along with anyone who may interfere. Jarvis had interfered.

“It wasn’t a car crash,” Bucky says slowly.  "Maria and Howard didn’t die in a car crash.”

“Bucky, I don’t think this is the time for––” Steve begins worriedly, placing his hand on Bucky’s forearm.

Bucky pushes his hand away. “No. No, I know what I’m talking about. I crashed their car after I killed them, to cover up for the incident. Edwin Jarvis was in that car, too. They were going to a private dinner and Jarvis was going to be their cook. I was ordered to kill them, and anyone who gets in the way. Jarvis was a loyal man, he tried to fight me when I attacked Howard, and I… I stabbed him. I pushed him out of the way. I’d done my homework on the Starks, I had to. Jarvis was their butler, he was the one who practically raised their child––Tony––and watched after him.”

The room goes quiet.

“I think I understand now… Tony never hated me for killing Howard. He hated me for killing _Jarvis_.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that for a cliffhanger? ಠ‿ಠ
> 
> This was going to be the last chapter where they all make up and get happy but my brain decided to take the longer way out, filled with a lot more angst.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought of the fic in a comment or message (on tumblr!) xx


	3. You know, you're not so bad.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're slowly healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the final chapter! Just in time for being a Christmas present for all of you who celebrate Christmas c: This chapter turned out to be the longest, but it's mostly filled with team feels and bonding. As well as, of course, Tony and Bucky friendship because I need more of it in my life.
> 
> Hope you enjoy the read!

 

_Bucky held Edwin Jarvis in one arm, using his other hand to hold a gun to Jarvis’s head. Tony begged him to put it down, to leave Jarvis alone––but Bucky only smiled._

_Suddenly, Steve walked in, and Tony felt a surge of hope. They’d finally come for him. They were going to save him_ and _Jarvis… He looked to his left, where Maria and Howard’s lifeless bodies lay. He couldn’t save them._

_He couldn’t lose Jarvis, too._

_“Steve,” he rasped. “Tell your friend to stop––This isn’t him. Please.”_

_Steve raised an eyebrow. “And why would I do that?”_

_Tony stilled._

_“Finish him, Buck.” Steve ordered. Bucky pulled the trigger, and Jarvis fell, now lifeless as well. Steve turned his attention back to Tony. “They were good people. It’s a shame they had to die because you weren’t a good man yourself.”_

_Tony wasn’t Steve’s friend. Why would Steve save him? He was right. Tony wasn’t a good man––he built weapons, he hurt people. He built Ultron._

_He didn’t deserve to be saved._

_Steve motioned for Bucky to follow him, and they left the room. Tony walked over to Edwin’s body, where blood around his head. He kneeled down, gently running his thumb over Edwin’s cheek._

_“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I’m sorry, Jarvis––I let you down. I ruined everything.”_

_Jarvis’s eyes snapped open. “Failure. That’s all you’ve ever accomplished in life. That’s all you ever_ will _accomplish in life. I should have known better than to place my faith in you. Peggy and I trusted that you would become a great man. We believed in you.”_

_Tony’s eyes stung._

_“But we shouldn’t have. You were never going to be a hero. You never will be one.”_

 

“Tony, snap out of it, buddy.” Clint urges, hand gripping Tony’s shoulder. Tony had been doing better for a few days. He hadn’t said a word, but he was _awake_ , and he was kind of eating. He hadn’t had any nightmares or panic attacks.

But that was too good to last, wasn’t it? Clint should have known. It was just his luck.

Tony’s eyes water, and his breathing speeds up. “I ruined everything,” he whispers to no one. “I let everyone down.”

Clint shakes his head, and sits down next to Tony on the hospital bed. There isn’t much room for him, but he manages to squeeze himself in, despite the corner of the nightstand poking into his thigh. “Hey, no, don’t say that. Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real. Come on, man, you were doing great. Don’t let those nightmares get to you.”

Tony’s body begins to shake lightly, and he shuts his eyes slowly. His breathing begins to even out, however, so that’s a good sign. Clint wraps an arm around his shoulder. “You with me, Tony?”

Tony nods, rubbing at his eyes. Clint smiles in relief.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Clint’s thigh starts to hurt, so he stands up again and rubs at the sore spot. “Ah, shit. That’s going to bruise.”

Tony’s head snaps up, eyebrows raised. There’s a question on his mind, Clint can see that––but he’s barely speaking to anyone when he’s awake. They’ve only heard him mutter things during his sleep.

“I’m okay,” Clint adds, just in case. “A nightstand is no match for the great Hawkeye. Or should I say, Hawk _thigh_? Heh, good one, right?”

Tony’s face relaxes, and he manages a small smile. 

Clint knows he wants to say _Hawkass_. 

But he’s not _saying_ it. And it’s driving Clint _insane_.

Tony Stark wasn’t supposed to be quiet. He was supposed to babble on about nothing and everything, he was supposed to be the man who made jokes to lighten the mood, who couldn’t hold back snarky remarks.

And now he was just silent. He would only respond briefly, saying “hi” “thank you” and “no” at most.

It was unnerving.

Clint’s jaw clenches, and he shoves his hand in his sweater’s pockets. “You know you can talk to us, right? You’re awake now. You’re safe here. Bucky––Bucky is not going to hurt you. Dude’s struggling to forgive himself for what he did to you, you know that?”

Tony doesn’t know that. 

_He told me he enjoyed it_ , Tony wants to say. But he doesn’t, because if he spoke up, they might be mad at him. They’ve all forgiven Bucky. Tony was told SHIELD managed to get the situation under control, that Bucky was no longer being hunted down by the government. 

Why would Tony say anything that could change that?

He didn’t feel safe around Barnes. But if everyone else trusted the man, then who was Tony to speak up?

So he kept his mouth shut.

Clint exhales slowly, clearing his throat when the silence drags on. “Okay… well, we are having dinner in the facility today, and you might be able to join us if you get permission from your doctors. I think you’re allowed a temporary leave from your bed. And before you decline, we’ll be having pizza. No one can turn down pizza.”

The facility? As in, the _Avengers_ facility? Was Clint out of his mind? After all that Tony had done, Clint actually expected that Tony would be welcome there?

“Maybe some other time.” He rasps instead.

Clint snorts. “Right. Well, I’ve gotta go, but I think Nat might be stopping by soon. Take care of yourself, yeah?”

_What exactly is going on in that brain of his, huh?_ Clint thinks as he makes his way out of the room. _We’re trying to support him, and he’s pushing us aside. What is this even supposed to mean? If he’s still mad at us, still caught up in the SHRA business––God, how selfish would that be? We’ve all pushed that down, and we’re trying to start over…_

He shakes his head, and pulls out his cellphone. He has some more pressing matters to attend to.

–––––––––––––––

True to his word, Clint orders pizza that night. They get 12 large boxes of pizza.It may sound like a lot, but to a team of superheroes––most of whom have super metabolism or just work out often––it’s not much. Clint, alone,can down awhole box in one sitting. Cap and Bucky can finish two boxes each without even realizing it.

Clint’s feeding his dog, Lucky, a slice when he hears the hesitant knock on the door. He looks up, a little surprised. People usually just walk in––no one really bothers to knock because they all know each other at the facility.

“Come in,” Sam calls out, taking another slice of pizza. 

The door opens slowly, and they see Pepper. She smiles. “Can we come in?”

She gets a round of nods from around the room, and walks in. Then she turns around, whispering something. After a few moments, Tony follows her into the room.

Everyone quiets down.

Tony’s hands are shaking, but he forces a smile. “Hey.”

The team responds with a few quiet “ _hey, man”s_ and _“hi”s._ He turns back to Pepper, who places a gentle hand onto his elbow and walking him over to the couches. They take a seat next to Natasha.

“Tony told me you guys were having pizza tonight.” Pepper says, attempting to break the silence. “Clint invited him over, and he was reluctant to come, but I didn’t want to miss out on a pizza party… So here we are.”

Clint clears his throat, and stands up, grabbing a pizza box. “Yeah, I did! I didn’t think you’d come, but I’m glad you did. Here, you like veggie pizza best, right? Grab a slice!”

Tony tenses.

This feels so _wrong_. 

Why are they still treating him like a teammate? A _friend_?

They wanted to get his hopes up again. But this time Tony can’t fall for it––he just _won’t_. He’s only going to feel like shit when history repeats itself yet again and he finds out that he meant nothing to them to begin with.

He shakes his head. “I’m good, thanks.” 

Pepper takes the box instead. “Thank you, Clint.”

Pepper had dragged him along. It was his fault for telling her, really. What had he expected? Pepper was a kind person. She wanted to make Tony feel better by having him bond with the team and see, apparently, that they missed him. 

She’d insisted this would make him feel better.

But he was still shaking. He didn’t want to look around the room––didn’t want to see Steve or Bucky. He didn’t need to see the hatred and anger he knows he will find in their eyes.

Pepper hands him a slice, and Tony gives in. 

_Do this for Pepper_ , he tells himself.

“So, how are you feeling now?” Sam asks. “You’re looking a little better.”

“We were going to watch a movie,” Scott adds, Cassie in his lap. “And we had it down to 22 Jump Street and Gone Girl. We can’t decide. What do you think, Tony? Pepper?”

“I think 22 Jump Street might be fun,” Pepper says with a smile. She nudges Tony with her elbow. “And perhaps a little more appropriate for Cassie, though… It’s not exactly a child’s movie.”

Tony snorts.

“Well, that settles it!” Scott exclaims. He quickly pulls up 22 Jump Street on Netflix, and the movie begins to play on screen. Cassie yawns, resting her head on her father’s shoulder. 

They fall back into conversation as the movie plays, erupting into laughter and discussing some scenes. Pepper joins in, too.

The only ones who remain quiet are Tony and Bucky.

The first time Bucky speaks up is when Sam jokingly compares him and Steve to Schmidt and Jenko. “Please, Steve is Schmidt.” Bucky says. “He may have gotten Jenko’s body after the serum, but he’s a nerd at heart.”

Everyone laughs.

Tony feels out of place.

They’re all so happy. They’ve moved on, they’ve… they’ve _bonded_. 

They don’t need Tony. 

“I’m going back,” Tony tells Pepper in a hushed voice. “You stay here, finish the movie.”

Pepper lets out a sigh. “Tony, come on, this is fun. You were the one who started movie night with the Avengers, back when you guys lived in the tower. You loved it. It’s going to take some time, but you guys will fall back together eventually. You’ll see.”

Tony leans back in his seat, and crosses his arms.

–––––––––––––––

He ended up sleeping in the facility. The SHIELD medics had allowed him to sleep out for the night. Not that Tony really cared about their advice or rules, but it was the only way Pepper agreed to it.

Tony hadn’t wanted to. He didn’t want to… well, he didn’t want to sleep so close to the Winter Soldier. What if he attacked him during his sleep? Or worse, took him to Hydra?

It was a stupid thought.

But he couldn’t push it away.

Pepper slept next to him, and he found himself falling into a deep sleep. When he wakes up the next morning, Pepper has already changed. “Good morning,” she says. “They’re having breakfast. You shower, get changed, and we’ll go together.”

Tony studies her for a moment. “Hey, is it okay if I go back? To the hospital––”

“Tony, you never want to go back to a hospital––”

“Or my house?”

Pepper stops, then sighs. “Why?”

Tony shrugs. “I don’t feel too well. I…” He inhales slowly. “I don’t feel…”

“Welcome? Safe?” Pepper finishes. She sits down next to Tony. “I know. But they’re trying really hard to change that. You’re safe here, Tony. You have to see that. We slept fine last night, no interruption, no threats. I know it’s a little tense between you and Steve, but he’s trying, too.”

“ _Why_ are they trying, Pep?” Tony asks, finally. “I don’t get it. I screwed everything up, I ruined the team. I hurt Steve. I’m not _welcome_ here, Pep. I can’t be. This is an Avengers facility, and I’m the man who managed to break apart the Avengers more than once. I can’t be here.”

“Yeah,” Pepper slowly. “You made some mistakes. But… is this what it’s all about? You’ve been shutting yourself out because you think it’s all your fault?”

Tony looks down.

“It’s not all your fault. The team acknowledges that. They’ve come to a mature agreement, understanding that everyone was at fault. That’s only way they could become a team again. You have to see that, too.”

Tony nods. 

Pepper gives his a quick kiss before getting up and walking over to the closet. “Go on, take a shower. This room is yours, they have some clothing for you here.”

“Mine?”

“Yes. They built a room for you, Tony.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, why did you build a floor for each of your teammates after _one_ battle of fighting together?” Pepper retorts with a smile, then throws him a ball of clothes.

Tony catches the clothing, and stares at it for a few moments.

He has a place in this facility?

Huh.

––––––––––––––––

When Tony and Pepper walk into the kitchen, they find Steve, Bucky and Sam. The classic trio. 

Steve is making himself some eggs. It seems he’s made some for Bucky and Sam, who are already downing their own dishes of scrambled eggs. Tony carefully makes his way to a seat on the far end of the table, and sits down. 

Pepper opens the fridge, taking out some fresh fruits to make herself a quick smoothie before she heads off to a meeting for Stark Industries. She takes out some vegetables and kale as well, because she knows Tony likes those smoothies.

“Good morning,” Sam greets cheerfully. 

Tony smiles back in response. “Morning.”

His eyes meet Bucky’s, but he looks away immediately.

These people––or most of them––were once his team. Tony had been so close to them, he’d… well, he thought they were friends. He trusted them with everything he had––he even opened up to them about the nightmares he had after flying the Nuke into space, after almost losing Pepper to Aldrich Killian, after Afghanistan. 

He’d let his guard down.

And here he was.

_I’m being selfish_ , he thought, shaking his head. _After everything I did to the team… I hurt them. I hurt them badly. Classic Stark, expecting everyone to be as forgiving as Pepper. God, get it together._

It seems that Steve has noticed his presence, because he clears his throat, pulling Tony away from his thoughts. “Hey, Tony. You sleep well last night?”

His voice is weak, tired. It lacks the radiance Cap’s voice usually held, the strength. This war had changed everyone, even Cap. 

And it was mostly Tony’s fault.

Tony nods, attempting to smile. It clearly doesn’t work, because Steve clears his throat again and smiles awkwardly. “That’s good.”

He sits down next to Bucky, and picks up a fork. He begins to discuss some schedule changes with Sam, regarding the Avengers’ training, and Bucky joins in every once in a while. Pepper returns a few minutes later with two smoothies––one for herself, and the other for Tony. He takes it with a grateful smile.

“Thanks.” He says.

“No problem. I’m going to have to head out soon, I’ve got a meeting at my office. Stark Industries is still working, you know. I think it might benefit if you decide to jump back into the game.”

Tony’s smile fades slightly, and he takes a sip from the drink. “You’re handling the company better than anyone ever can or will, Pepper. I think it’s best if I stay out of it for a while. I’ve been doing it more harm than good.”

“Well, Wakanda might be a good business partner. You can start by discussing some potential deals with T’Challa.” Pepper offers. “And we need to make some new software updates. We’ve got to release new models and softwares, keep people engaged. You have anything in mind?”

“I’ll work on it.” Tony promises. Pepper knows Tony––his biggest distraction was his work. Whenever he faced problems, he would head straight to his lab. He’d tinker, build, fix. Having him focus on Stark Industries might relieve some of his stress.

“Good, that’s all I need to hear.” Pepper says. Then, she stands up, and grabs her purse. “I have to leave. Take care of yourself, okay? And try to enjoy your time here.” She looks up and, louder, says, “I’ll see you guys later.”

Tony gives her a soft kiss as Steve and Sam tell her goodbye.

Once she leaves, they sit in silence for a while. Steve takes a deep breath before he speaks up .“Tony, I don’t know how to say this––but I have to apologize for what I did. I know we’ve been through a rough patch, and I am sorry.”

Tony pauses, waiting to make sure this wasn’t just a joke.

When his eyes meet Steve’s, they’re _sincere_. Steve looks hurt, but he’s not lying. He’s legitimately sorry.

Tony wants to laugh.

“You’re _sorry_?” He asks with disbelief. 

Steve’s jaw clenches. “I know you’re angry, and you may think that an apology is not enough, but we can work this out over time, I’m sure––”

“I don’t get it.” Tony interrupts. “Why are you sorry?”

Steve had brought Bucky along, yes. But Steve wasn’t responsible for Bucky’s actions––and no, Tony will _not_ believe that nightmare he’d had the previous day, there was _no_ way that Steve would support the killing of Jarvis and his parents. 

Not to mention that Bucky’s reflexes were… well, he thought Steve was dead. More precisely, he thought Tony had killed him. His thoughts were justified.

_He enjoyed it_ , Tony reminds himself. He pushes the thought away. _Barnes is Steve’s friend. Barnes is an Avenger._

But he was _terrifying_.

Tony will _not_ blame him, or hold his actions against him…. but that doesn’t stop the flashbacks, the nightmares. It doesn’t stop the flutter of fear he feels whenever he looks at Barnes.

“What do you mean?” Steve asks, looking genuinely confused. “I’m sorry for fighting you. I’m sorry because I, too, was being stubborn and I refused to understand your point of view. I think it’s only fair that I apologize.”

Huh.

“Well… you don’t need to apologize.” Tony replies slowly. “I fucked up, like usual, and you guys dealt with the aftermath. If there’s anyone who has to apologize… It’s me.”

Sam groans dramatically. “Not again. Guys, I thought we agreed that we all screwed up and that we’re all sorry!”

Steve chuckles, and nods. 

Tony smiles, but is unsure of how to respond.

––––––––––––––––––

Tony manages to spend eight days in the facility without having a single anxiety or panic attack. He’s coping better, in general, and he’s more comfortable around the team. He was still tense around Steve, unsure of how friendly he should be, but he’d become better friends with T’Challa. Rhodey’s condition is starting to improve, too. 

Overall, Tony’s doing pretty well.

Until he comes across an angry Barnes.

He’s walking with T’Challa, who will be returning to Wakanda in a few days, when they hear the sound of loud crashing. 

“What is that?” T’Challa asks, alert. They hurry into the room, throwing the door open. What if Hydra had managed to crash into the facility? It had been peaceful in here ever since Tony had moved in, why would there suddenly be a threat? Was it just their shitty luck?

But it’s not Hydra.

It’s Bucky.

He’s panting, seething. Natasha has a hand around the gun in her back pocket, ready to fire if necessary. Clint’s jaw is clenched, and Sam has a hand on his shoulder, holding him back. Steve’s hands are raised, and he’s speaking softly.

“Buck, please.” He says. “It’s me. You’re not with Hydra anymore. They’re never getting near you again. I won’t let them.”

“But… my mission.” Bucky presses. 

“No, no more missions. You’re not the Winter Soldier. Not anymore.”

Bucky’s eyes widen, and he tightens his fists. His breathing begins to even out as his gaze travels around the room, suddenly realizing that he was, in fact, with the Avengers. He’s still on edge, however, and when his eyes lock with Tony’s, Tony can’t stop the panic from rising.

Bucky’s eyes are hard. They’re angry. Confused.

Suddenly, Tony can feel it all over again. Barnes punching him. Pulling out his arc reactor, shattering the casing––telling him he enjoys it––and Tony can’t breathe, he falls back against the wall, struggling to take a breath.

And on the other side of the room, all Bucky can see is Tony’s blood, pooling out of his chest, staining his hands. 

_You’re not the Winter Soldier_ , he hears Steve say again. _Not anymore_. 

No, he’s not.

He’s become something worse.

“….hey, you’re okay, you’re safe.” His attention slowly focuses back to Steve, whose arms are wrapped around him, repeating reassuring sentences. 

“Stark.” Bucky whispers, opening his eyes. 

Tony’s not bleeding.

But he is struggling to breathe.

“Did I hurt him?” Bucky asks frantically. “I lost it––I was hurling things, I was fighting you––did I _hurt_ him?”

“No, no.” Steve replies hurriedly. “You didn’t hurt anyone.”

Bucky pushes Steve’s arm away, and scrambles to stand up. He hurries over to Tony’s side, where Clint is asking Tony to follow his breathing pattern in order to calm down.

“Stark.” Bucky begins. “I’m––Did I hurt him?”

Natasha shakes her head. “No. I think he just had a flashback.” She turns to Steve. “I think you guys could use some fresh air.”

Steve nods and makes his way out of the room, dragging Bucky along gently.

The rest is a blur, until Bucky is greeted with a gust of cool wind. Steve squeezes Bucky’s shoulder, smiling warily. “It was just bad timing. You didn’t hurt anyone.”

“I thought I was with Hydra.” Bucky admits. “I thought… I didn’t mean to go violent, I promise––”

“We know. You went through severe trauma, Buck. You can’t control those flashbacks, they’re not your fault. You know, sometimes, I feel like I’m crashing into the ice all over again. Sometimes I wake up, and I’m afraid that another seventy years have passed, that none of you will be there. Sometimes I wake up thinking none of this was real. That I’m still in the 40s, that Peggy will be there, by my side, telling me the war is over. But this is real, Buck. We’re together now, you’re safe. This is our new life. It’s tough, but we can get through it.”

Bucky’s eyes soften. 

“What I did to Stark,” he says, “I can’t push it away. I know that I’m not the Winter Soldier, most of the time. I remind myself that none of it was my choice, that I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. But when I hurt Stark, it was _me_. It wasn’t the Winter Soldier.”

Steve nods. “Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Tony will understand.”

“I don’t want to be this person, not anymore. I don’t want to see fear in people’s eyes when they look at me. He’s terrified of me, Steve.”

“Maybe he is.” Steve agrees. “But that can change.”

–––––––––––

Three days later, Bucky decides to speak to Tony.

There was a giant elephant in the facility, standing between him and Tony, and Bucky couldn’t stand it anymore. If they were going to work as a team, they’d have to be able to communicate. No, Bucky doesn’t need to become his friend, but he needs to be able to work with Stark during battle. They couldn’t do that when they were avoiding each other like this.

Tony is in the lab with Bruce. He’s sitting down on one of the benches, hair flying in all directions, as Bruce holds up a test tube. When Bucky knocks on the door, they’re both surprised. They discuss something quickly before Bruce presses something on his monitor, and the glass door slides open. Bucky takes a deep breath before entering the lab.

“Hi,” he says.

Tony and Bruce exchange glances. Bruce responds. “Hi, Bucky. What’s up?”

“Nothing, I…” Bucky shoves his hands into his pockets. “What are you… up to?”

Bruce narrows his eyes slightly, but smiles anyway. Bucky wasn’t exactly his friend, and he certainly wasn’t Tony’s. For him to just stop by for a quick chat is slightly worrying. “Just doing some research.”

Bucky nods. He looks around the lab, unsure of how to bring up the issue. He must be quiet for quite some time, however, because Bruce speaks up again.

“So is there any specific reason you’re here?” Bruce asks, keeping his smile intact. “Not that I mind, of course, but…”

“I wanted to speak to Stark.” Bucky says, cutting to the point. “Alone. If that’s okay.”

“About what?” Bruce asks, suddenly on edge.

“I just…” 

Bruce raises an eyebrow.

“I wanted to speak to him about what happened. I wanted to… I want to apologize.”

Tony looks up, and sits up straighter. “Pardon me?”

“I want to apologize.” Bucky repeats firmly. “I think it’s about time that we stopped avoiding each other. You’re terrified of me, I know that. I don’t want you to be scared of me. We might have to fight together in upcoming battles, and we need to be able to work as a team.”

They stand in silence for a few moments.

“Bruce, can you give us a moment?” Tony finally says. When Bruce begins to protest, Tony insists. “I’ll be fine.”

Bruce nods reluctantly, and walks out of the lab. He stays close by, though, just in case.

“What’s this about?” Tony asks, twirling his cell phone in his hand.

“Like I said, I wanted to say I’m sorry. I hurt you pretty bad. I didn’t––I didn’t know your arc reactor was keeping you alive. Or maybe I just didn’t realize it at the moment. I was blinded by anger. I thought you killed Steve.”

Tony nods. He pushed down his rising panic, telling himself that Bucky was not going to hurt him. This is the first time he’s been this close to Bucky, that he’s spoken to him, and it’s unnerving. But Tony can’t show that. Bucky is _apologizing_. The least Tony can do is try his best to move this conversation forward. “I know. And, just so you know, I don’t entirely blame you.”

Bucky furrows his eyebrows. 

Tony doesn’t blame him?

“There’s just one thing that I don’t understand, that doesn’t fit into the picture.” Tony continues. “You said you enjoyed it. What was that about?”

“Enjoyed what?”

“Ripping my arc reactor out of my chest. You said enjoyed it as much as you enjoyed ripping Howard’s heart out when you killed him. Why would you say that if you’re really no longer doing this?”

“I never said that.” Bucky whispers, shocked. “I… I never said that. I didn’t enjoy it. Not when I hurt you, not when I hurt your parents. Not when I hurt Jarvis, either. I don’t––I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Then how had Tony heard him say that?

_Probably the fucking panic,_ Tony thinks. _I’ve been seeing so much shit lately and I don’t even know which of it is real._

“The team, they gave me a second chance.” Bucky says. “I know Natasha doesn’t trust me, not yet, but she’s giving me a chance, even if I don’t deserve it. I had a flashback, the other day. When you and Black Panther walked in. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.”

Tony nods. “So I heard. Flashbacks are a pain in the ass, I can tell you that much.”

Bucky silently agrees.

They remain quiet, Tony still twirling his phone and Bucky just looking around. When his eyes fall to Tony’s chest, he finds himself asking, “What exactly _is_ that?”

Tony looks up at Bucky, then follows his gaze, which leads to his arc reactor. “Huh? Oh, the arc reactor. It’s keeping me alive. But you figured that out, I think.” 

“Why is it inside your chest?”

Tony laughs as he stands up. He paces around the bench slowly. “I built weapons, you know that?”

Bucky nods.

“Millions died because of them. The last thing they saw before their death was my name, _Stark_ , on the missiles. And I guess someone must have prayed pretty damn hard, because karma is a bitch. Got shrapnel in my chest, from my own missile. These terrorists, called the Ten Rings, wanted me to build them a missile. They took me in, gave me a shitty version of this reactor, and hooked me up to a car battery to keep the shrapnel from getting to my heart.”

“You had shrapnel in your body?”

“Still do. This is a magnet,” Tony explains. He finds himself slowly relaxing. “Without it, the shrapnel reaches my heart.”

Bucky winces. He had no idea. Steve never brought that up. “I didn’t know that.”

“Not many people do. Only Pepper, Rhodey, Bruce and Nat. Maybe Clint, too, if Natasha told him. I think everyone else just knows that I need it to stay alive, but they don’t know the details.”

“So your life wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, then.” Bucky comments, causing Tony to snort.

“This is a team of messed up people.” Tony says. “It’s part of the job description. Except for Sam, maybe. Sam’s not too messed up. Not like us, anyway.”

Bucky smiles. 

“We’re not so different,” He notes. “Your kidnappers gave you a metal heart, and mine gave me a metal arm.”

Tony pauses, and studies Bucky. 

He’s right.

Tony had hurt many people, too. Until he decided that it was not the life he wanted, that he no longer wanted to be a warmonger. In many ways, he was much worse than Bucky; He was fully aware of what he was doing, at least. Bucky wasn’t.

Bucky was trying, too, to put his past behind. To start over, become a hero once more. He might not be the same man he was before the war, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. 

Tony, too, had changed after the battles he went through. 

“Yeah, that’s a good way to put it.” Tony agrees.

––––––––––––––

Over the next two weeks, Tony and Bucky learn to become more comfortable around each other. Tony doesn’t feel safe enough to join a training session with Bucky, but he doesn’t always have trouble watching him fight or spar. 

Bucky stops by the lab sometimes, usually around three or four in the morning, when everyone else is asleep. He’d seen Tony in the kitchen a few times, and learned that Tony, too, would have trouble sleeping. After a while, he found himself walking over to the lab to check if Tony is awake before heading off to the kitchen. More often than not, Tony would be there.

“Hey,” Bucky greets sleepily. He walks into the lab and makes his way to his preferred chair, just across Tony’s bench. “You didn’t sleep?”

“No.” Tony admits. “You?”

“I slept. But I had nightmares.” Bucky tells him, rubbing at his eyes. “Decided to go for a walk, remind myself of where I am.”

Tony nods, and takes off his goggles. “Hydra?”

“Mostly. But I still have nightmares about hurting Steve. Or you, or someone from the team.” Bucky says, looking down at his hands. “Sometimes, I hate to see this arm. I hate all the memories that come up every time I see it. When I wake up, hoping that all of this was just a bad dream, I see it again. And I feel that hope shatter. I’m just reminded of who I’ve become––”

“Who you’ve become,” Tony interrupts, “is an Avenger. That arm of yours should just remind you that you’ve overcome your days in Hydra. You’re with your team now.”

Bucky’s eyes light up playfully. “With my team of messed up people?”

“That’s right,” Tony says proudly. Then, he moves around the bench and sits down across from Bucky. “You know, some days my reactor can throw me into a harsh flashback. But most of the time, seeing it light up is enough to push me forward. It’s a reminder of why I’m still alive.”

Bucky hums in agreement.

They remain in the lab for two more hours, during which Tony makes himself at least ten cups of coffee as he continues to work. Bucky is fine with having one as he watches Tony put together a new model for a StarkPhone. 

Then, Bucky pulls up the sleeve of his sweater, and looks up at Tony. “Hey, Tony?”

Tony pauses, and turns to Bucky. When he sees the arm, he grows a little tense. “Yeah?”

Bucky flexes his arm, and places his other hand on the elbow. “The elbow’s been bothering me for a while. Whenever I move my arm, I can feel something not clicking into place.”

Tony’s eyes widen slightly. “How long has it been bothering you?”

“A few months.” Bucky admits. “I wasn’t sure who to speak to. I couldn’t trust SHIELD’s agents enough to work on my arm, and… I was wondering if you could take a look? You’re good with robotics, so I thought… Unless it bothers you, then you don’t have to––”

Tony steps closer, a grin forming on his face. Barnes trusts _Tony_ to work on his arm? Tony can’t believe it. “You trust me? To work on your arm?”

Bucky nods lightly, lips pressing thinly. “Yes.”

Sweet Christmas.

It feels good to be trusted.

Tony pulls his chair closer to Bucky, vibrant smile on his face. He holds his hands just over Bucky’s arm. “May I?”

Bucky nods.

“Let me know if you feel any pain.” Tony tells him. “And if you feel uncomfortable, any time, tell me right away. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Tony begins to inspect Bucky’s arm carefully, asking Bucky to move it in certain directions and conduct certain actions. 

As Tony works on his arm, Bucky studies him carefully. Just two weeks earlier, they couldn’t bear to look each other in the eye. Just a month earlier, Bucky had ripped out Tony’s arc reactor and nearly killed him.

And now he trusts him.

“You know,” Bucky says after a while. “You’re not so bad.”

Tony smirks, looking up at Bucky from beneath his messy bangs. “Yeah. Neither are you.”

Life isn’t perfect. But it’s not so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you guys like the chapter/fic overall? 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think! Thank you for reading! :)

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @buckybernes! feel free to send me a message about your feelings after reading this >:)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the read xx


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